you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
