What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
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Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize