just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
