I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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