DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
accomplished twins. life is a go
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
