Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
