he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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