Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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