i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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