you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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