I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
