you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
so much tequila, so little girl.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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