My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
