i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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