mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
