tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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