I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
