I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
