Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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