i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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