Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Randomize
