i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
