so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
