this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
