i already hear my dad disowning me
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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