Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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