I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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