I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
