make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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