She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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