i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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