I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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