You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
