I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
