why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
