He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
