Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Randomize
