two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
