I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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