My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
