If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
