i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
