yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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