even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
