Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
