I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
