I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
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hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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