do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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