Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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