i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
