i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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