you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
