You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
