Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
