The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
