i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
