I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
