Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
