i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
a search helicopter?!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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